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Friday, July 05, 2002
- Even when I'm hardly wise and think I'm going crazy -
This post has more to do with applying scripture/theology than discussing it.

Most of the people around me these days seem to have very defined callings and I do not. This frustrates me, but my frustration is really rooted in idolatry - I think that by having a clear calling, I will be more content and that I can serve God better which isn't true. I am to seek to glorify God and I am to seek to enjoy him above all things, in all things. This is not better done with a defined calling. I don't mean to belittle the idea of calling - it's just that it cannot be blamed for where I put my desires. If I had a clear and defined calling, I would find something else to put my hopes in.

Going on with calling, I sometimes feel torn between wisdom and unbelief. I feel like, as a 24-year-old college graduate, I should be able to provide for myself without putting a strain on someone else. However, here I am working at a job that I am not suited for and will, therefore, never really improve in. I could switch jobs, but it seems like 99% of the jobs I have seen in the past year have had the same issue involved - I am not suited for them. My usual reaction is to quit looking and try to content myself with my current position.

Seeking to content myself with my lot in life is not a bad thing, but I feel like I emphasize this over the bigger issue that I, like the ancient Israelites, feel as if I must have a seen boss who gives me a seen paycheck in order to be secure. If I don't know where my provisions are coming or I get nervous and afraid. The issue here is that even what I gain with my own two hands is a blessing bestowed on me by the Lord. He can make my hands prosper or fail.

So my options are stay in a completely unfitted career, or to grab tightly to the fact that God, the feeder of sparrows and the tailor of lilies, is the one who supplies my needs. To go in the direction I should go means that I cannot let go of this, I cannot stop preaching this to myself, I cannot stop thinking this - that God, the feeder of sparrows and the tailor of lilies is the one who provides my needs even if the way I traverse tastes of folly and I may not see any wisdom in the journey.

None of this is to say that if I do this, then I will come into a great line of work. No. It is very possible that I might continue in a line of work that I feel unfitted for, but I should not continue in my position because of fear, but because this was the place I was called to be.

posted by Jamie 3:20 PM

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Tuesday, July 02, 2002
- Putting my hand to the plow -
Some of the cataloguers from the East Asian department are talking outside my cubicle and once again I'm struck by how pleasant a language Chinese is.

Last night I was reading Psalm 37 and I came across this verse "Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness" [NASB]. However, my notes said that "cultivate" can also be translated as "feed on" which is why the NKJV reads "Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness."

I then started thinking about how different the end result is just by switching the English words "cultivate faithfulness" versus "feed on his faithfulness." By using "cultivate," it seems like we have an active duty to continue to be faithful which goes along with the earlier command to "do good." However you can only cultivate something already in existence by prodding and so on. In contrast, "feed" seems a much more passive activity. You feed on something already plucked and prepared.

Anyway, then I started to wish I knew some Hebrew. It would be interesting to know if the Hebrew word had both a passive and an active meaning.

posted by Jamie 10:30 AM

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